You call it loosening up.I call it Spiraling down.

You call it loosening up.I call it Spiraling down.

kteaa

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I'm starting over.	[Aug. 16th, 2009\|10:12 pm]
Beginning with a new live journal. Good luck finding it...NOT. :)
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And i'm off.	[Aug. 8th, 2009\|04:33 pm]
Today, well more specifically in thirty minutes or so, I'm leaving for North Carolina with Meriem and her family. I can't be any happier than I am now to leave. Unfortunately when the going gets tough, I don't grow to be tougher, I run away, and this time, to a whole other state. Every time I put my life in box's, or bags, I like to pretend i'm moving out. Before piling all my bags downstairs I looked at myself in my full length mirror while I held each of the two bags that most of my life is packed away in and smiled. Although I'm not going to be gone for longer than a week, I at least know that all of my troubles will be left at home, millions of miles away from me. Plus, this is the first time I'm going to see mountains (the smoky mountains!!), and waterfalls, and all in all nature at it's best. It's pretty exciting for me, because as you should know by now I am head over heels in love with new and unfamiliar people, places, and things.
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Let's just stop, drop everything, and forget each other's names.	[Aug. 8th, 2009\|04:23 am]
I totally and completely despise this painful fiery feeling I get in the pit of my stop that seems to always tug at the corners of my heart. I want it to stop . But really, I don't. If it does I know I'll lose a part of myself. But it hurts. And I can't sleep. I'm fighting back tears. It's giving me an incredibly head throbbing headache as a consequence. I told you what I would do. It's what I want to do. Though it's so hard to do. It's what you wanted me to do. And i'm trying to do this for you. But how selfish of you is that? How can you ask this of me? And you know I hate how you always get your way. You go through life with a huge smile on your face. With a skip in your step. I've spent countless nights alone in my room just thinking of ways to change this. To forget about you. I just hate how this can be directed towards two people who promised "no matter what." I wish I could be like everyone else. Or what everyone else seems to be like. I want to walk around and have a "eff this" attitude about anything and everything. I want to be emotionless. Whether that meant losing who I really am. It's not like anyone appreciates anyone for who they truley are anyway these days. I care all too much. Altogether I wish I could forget about the two of you. But you've held such an impact on my life. Here I am at 4:30 rambling on and on about something that someone else is going to try to fix but only make worse once they realize that things aren't always what they seem. I miss who you used to be. Both of you.
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"Sometimes you have to break down in order to break through."	[Aug. 6th, 2009\|01:33 am]
Today from a friend I have learned that I need to look on how much I really know a person. Not just on how much I think I know that person, but how far I know that person will go for me based on what they have done and said in the past. Makes perfect sense to me, but I've learned that it is easier said than done. Through just this piece of not-so-simple advice, I have learned a lot about myself. I have realized that the many different nights this summer that I've spent staying up with sore and tired eyes just to talk to the many different someones who had no intentions on being with me, has taught me a lot. It has shown me that I've allowed myself to become much too dependent on people (otherwise known as people-dependent.) I mean, as much as I would love to point the finger and blame someone else for this habit (because that would be easier than having to rearrange the way I've been living out my life) I can't. It's a slow and painful process that I unfortunately have to go through on my own. I haven't really loved myself all that much. I haven't allowed myself to. A simple process really, you'd think, but for some reason I just can't seem to get this whole loving-myself-and-doing-what-makes-me-happy thing down just right. And maybe no one ever does. All I know is that it just has always been a consistent internal struggle for me. I constantly feel like there's this gigantic gap smack dab in the middle of my heart, and unfortunately I'm looking to other people to fill that void, but really no one else can do that but myself, for I have learned this time and time again, but it hasn't really sunken in until tonight. And this...this is probably one of the hardest things that a person has to do. Re-constructing your own heart doesn't come easy. I can no longer look to another person to fix this other than myself, and knowing that is progress, but acting on that is what matters most. I sit here and wish so badly that I didn't sit here and constantly pick people apart. Because I do that. I tend to break people down into sections and take the good in that person and set my sights on that. I focus so hard on the good in people, that I sometimes forget that they come with negativity as well. People come with their own problems, insecurities, and fears. We all come with baggage. It's just some is heavier, and much tougher to handle while others come much easier to carry around and bare. All along I had it engraved in my mind that everyone had a problem dealing with the weight of my own baggage, when really It's been brought to my attention that it's been the other way around. Before, I wouldn't take everyone as a whole. As themselves. I would only take the good, but I needed to take the bad as well. I mean, who are we without our faults and flaws? Not human, is what that is. But we are human. We all are. And we, and when I say we, I'm mostly preaching to myself here so, I, need to take a step back and let that sink in. I need to take people as a whole, and for what they really are. I can't keep taking people in small doses to the point where they're in parts and pieces that I find to be the most easeful or tolerant. Plain and simple, I had to learn all of this the hard way. It hurts, and I imagine it still will for awhile, but I know that slowly I'll start to change my ways and stick to not being so emotionally attached to things (no pun intended) .
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(no subject)	[Jul. 25th, 2009\|10:23 pm]
I go through seasons between Ian and Jaime. When one isn't cooperating, the other tends to. But when they both start acting up, I start losing my sanity. Luckily, it's been one or the other lately. This week is Jaime's week. We briefly talk. And I end up day dreaming. While he rambles on about how much he misses me. But proceeds to do nothing about it. Honestly, I tend to like the fact that they're both flaky. Because I know if I were stuck having to choose between either one... I'd freak. I mean, I can see myself dating either one. But I'm pretty sure it'll never happen. With either of them. And the confidence that I have towards that makes me feel safe. I get this secure feeling from it, oddly enough. Because as I've mentioned before, nothing is a surprise with either of them. My yearning for either one of them is like that of a zit. An odd comparison, I know, but it fits, really. You see, when you have a zit, a pimple, or a crater planted on the side of your face, it tends to be unignorable. The more you let yourself focus on it, the more crazed and obsessed you become with popping it. But if you simply try to ignore it's existence, by covering it up with foundation, you'd quit noticing it so much. You won't be picking apart at your skin constantly. Ian, or Jaime, well they're like a giant pimple that decided to plant itself conveniently on my heart...or something like that. I'm constantly pushing, and pushing, and pushing to get something out of either one of them. But I come up empty handed each and every time. I have goo-free hands, here because simply neither one of them will give in and pop. And the more I pick at either one of them, the more it hurts, and the more I notice that my blood is then pulsing through them. And so, I tend to keep going at them until one gives in. But just as soon as one does, I end up in limbo because now they're both off key. Thus, I am stuck dealing with one, consistently. And though it is tiring. I probably wouldn't want it any other way. Now tell me this, how sick does that make me?
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I hate the term "unrequited love"...	[Jul. 24th, 2009\|12:55 pm]
But I hate the feeling far more.
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Sleep deprived.	[Jul. 20th, 2009\|12:40 pm]
You know that one lyric from the song "fix you" by cold play? The one that says "when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep, stuck in reverse." Boy, isn't that the story of my life right now. I haven't slept consistently for awhile now. I'm always taking short naps, or waking up in the middle of the night and staying wide eyed awake for an hour or so until my body has reached it's breaking point and my head finally finds it's way to fall back onto my pillow until daylight comes. I'm so exhausted. I'm tired. But my body won't let me sleep long enough to fully recover from a months worth of lost shut-eye. I guess I shouldn't complain all too much, because this leaves more room to make memories that will last a life time. Like wednesday night. I was packing and getting my things together since Katie, Kelly, and I were going to Fort Meyers to spend a couple of days with Lizzy in her dorm. I decided to procrastinate around one a.m. when I got a text from Ian. I told him to come over since I was leaving for a few days and would enjoy some much needed company. Within half an hour he showed up outside of my house and we sat in the back seat of his car and talked until about four in the morning. The cool thing about his car has is that he has one of those sun roof things, so it was nice to tangle myself up within his body and look at the stars together while my ear was serenaded by the rhythm of his fast-paced beating heart. I liked that. I like the way he kisses me. The way he looks at me. The way he holds me. I like being with him, but we don't see each other that often. When we're together, it's only for a couple of hours or so. And we each have a hard time saying good bye. A normal good bye for us would be saying it about twenty times more than needed. I miss him. We haven't talked since saturday night. Being in a college dorm was an interesting experience though. The first night there fully introduced me to how crazy people are when they're miles away from their parents and under the watchful eye of only themselves. Plenty of people knocked on the door, armed with energy and booze, ready to party, and so while the four of us (Lizzy, Katie, Kelly, and I) sat in the living room watching disney channel and waiting for our jello to fully develop we made a game out of it to see who could get to the door fast enough whenever someone knocked. Lizzy got all of the guys. Speaking of guys, a lot of them there walk around without shirts, but hey, i'm not complaining. That night I woke up constantly to the sound of many different voices outside of the extra dorm room that Katie, Kelly, and I slept in. I hardly got sleep between that and the fact that Katie and I slept on an air mattress together that had by morning deflated itself and was on the floor. My back hurt all day because of that. The second day there we decided to surprise Katie since it was infact her birthday weekend, so we drove for about forty five minutes to Sannibel Island. Though she quickly caught on and the surprise wasn't exactly a surprise to begin with, it was fun never the less though the sand at the particular part of the ocean we swam at reaked of rotten eggs for some unknown reason. The sandbar there literally went out to where the boats were, so Lizzy wanted to constantly go out further, but Katie, Kelly, and I are super scared of the critters in the ocean so we protested against it. Though we spent more time driving around Sannibel and stopping at various stores along the way instead of at the beach, it was still a buttload of fun. We came across a minx and this cool place called the bubble room. I thoroughly enjoyed the colorful sequence of that place. After aimlessly driving around for awhile we found a sonic and ate there for lunch. It was AMAZING. I can't remember the last time I had sonic, but I know it's been forever. I don't think our waitress came out in roller skates though. Boo. But uh, just in case you ever go there and plan on trying their lemonade, DON'T. The second day, Saturday, Kelly and I were rudely awakened by the vast feeling of cold air as Katie ripped our blankets off of us. Because lizzy and her roomies keep their air conditioning strictly around 65 degrees, I found myself fully awake and exposed to the winter-like temperature. It was an uncomfortable feeling, but it quickly awakened me. Katie made us everything bagels that morning while we watched disney channel yet again, then got ready to take pictures by an abandoned and run down rusty old train. It was scorching hot outside the metal of the train burned my hands as I climbed to the tippy top of the train so Katie could take pictures. Then this wheel thingy turned and made a rusty squeal sound and I freaked out because my body froze. I finally got down and had to sit in the car and miss out on the rest of the train adventure because I had the worst anxiety feeling after that. After wards we went to chick-fil-a and I got a much needed lemonade that was amazing compared to Sonic's. The rest of the day consisted of a lot of thrift store shopping that consisted of a lot of expensive yet beautiful polaroid cameras, ugly prom dresses, hideous shoes and hats, flannels, comfortable yet tacky furniture, and smelly shoe isles. I bought a new bible that we later found out stops at proverbs meaning I don't have the full version, and we ate Moes for dinner that night. They have yummy cheese dip, and I like my short-version and very much watered down bible. It's soft, and easy to read. Later we ventured out to ross, old navy, and marshalls. I was so full of food that I kept complaining about having a food baby (like on juno :P!) Soon after everyone was ready to go home. So again we find ourselves watching disney channel and eating cupcakes that Katie picked out for her birthday. Around midnight I started craving frosties and fries so we drove to wendy's. The guy who took our order had a creepy voice. After wards no one wanted to drive back home so we drove down town until about three in the morning. Apparently everyone hangs out at gas stations. There must have been over fifty cars in this one gas station we passed. Lizzy and I were the only ones interested in what happened so we drove around in circles as we watched the cops kick everyone out. We decided they were protesting against something. I found it hilarious. We went over bridges about three times that night. I hate bridges. Oh, and on the way home we saw a dead armadillo. The next day, our last day, Sunday, we woke up and had ten minutes to get ready since we all slept in 'till ten and church started at eleven. I liked lizzy's church though it is a lot like church by the glades. Well, it's less cliquey, and I like that part about it. A lot of young families attended that church, but there weren't too many teens. Mostly college students and such. Orlando, one of the pastors there, was really cool. He talked about getting, guarding, and giving. How he knew his wife was a gift from god, because he didn't have that much game to get a girl like her. In fact he told us that the first time he went to her house and she answered the door he blurted out "want to go to the gas station?" and they spent the night sipping on slurpee's which I found pretty darn cute. He has a way with words, I liked listening to him. After church we had to clean up the dorm since we completely trashed it. By the time Lizzy and Katie's mom got there the place was spotless and we were ready to go out to lunch so we ended up at red robin (which I don't think anyone of us have been there before.) They had good food, and awesome strawberry lemonade that came in this really cool glass. A few hours later, we left lizzy and drove home in a thunderstorm. It's been quite eventful, this whole week, and I needed to get away from a lot. I'm glad I was able to break away from things here for awhile. I needed these past few days. Last night I tried apologizing to an old "friend". He signed off without even replying to my whole-hearted apology. It sort of crushed me in a sense because I thought he would of wanted to remain friends with me after all this time, but I guess because of the way things have been in the past, he hates me now, and well, I don't blame him. Though I can only apologize for my actions, and not anyone else's I know nothing will ever be enough. It just sucks when you try your hardest to push someone out of your head, and out of your heart, that when you finally feel ready enough to bring them back into your life, they've already moved on from that. They gave you your chance but you were too scared and unprepared to take it. I guess everything happends for a reason, but I just thought fate wanted something more with this. A lot of signs pointed to him. It led me to be brave enough to talk to him and apologize for things even though he was the one who was selfish in the first place and caused all of this. It just sucks that he can't see what I see in the midst of it all. I hope some day he'll not only open up his eyes to everything, but his heart as well.
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I hate people...most people.	[Jul. 14th, 2009\|09:43 pm]
After three days of being cooped up in my house I decided that going to the mall with Shauna would be a nice break away from my house, or my room rather, because I have everything I need in here. Well, besides now since my phone is no long my phone. It wasn't even five minutes after I sat down to fix my shoe from falling apart that I realized that after I got up my phone wasn't in my hands. I tried so hard to stay calm while I carefully searched my bag for I know how easily I could pass out due to my increasingly horrifying panic attacks. As I walked back to the chair that I was at before, my phone was no where in sight and neither were the three young black boys that were there at the exact same time and spot that I was just at. Although I am not racist and definitely do not fancy pointing the finger and making assumptions too quickly about others, I knew it had to be them because they were the only people around that area to begin with. Not to mention they left soon after (keep in mind this all happened in a course of under five minutes.) And you know they even had the nerve to say something to Shauna and I before we got up and walked away. We immediately tried calling my phone but it was turned off. I must have talked to at least five people who worked in the mall before my mom got there and sadly, deactivated it. I am a combination of many feelings right now. Frustrated, annoyed, sad, angry, occasionally calm, antsy, and even happy. But I am also phone-less and probably will be for awhile. But it's not that fact that my phone got stolen that is bothering me so much, it's how cold hearted people can be. Forget the phone, I am saddened by the fact that there are really people like this out there in the world.Those boys, however old they were, looked me straight in the eye just minutes before they stole something practically right underneath my nose. They even had the nerve to even talk to me. I mean really. It really makes me sad to know that there really are people out there that are like that. People who constantly lie and cheat and steal. Of course I know there isn't one person in the world who hasn't done any one of those three things, but still. It hurts me to know that there are bad people out there. All along i've been so naive about it. I mean, I always see horrible things on the news that have happened to other people but never once have I put myself in their shoes. I simply brush it off and think "that could never happen to me." But it can, and boy did today open my eyes up to that. I don't know if this is the way I'm suppose to learn my lessons, the hard way, but lately, it seems like that's the only way I am able to learn. I can't trust anyone right off of the bat. I mean, I'm not too trust-y but I do tend to be polite to people. Like, I'll hardly ever think twice about putting my bag next to my side, and not attached to my hip. I'm too trust-y. I trust too easily. I give myself away to others too easily (and I don't mean that in a sexual way.) I used to view the world optimistically until now. I almost want to be a pessimistic person all the time because it makes losing things that are not only material, but emotional too, not as bad. Because I mean when you're more positive it almost devistates you. I had a hard time composing myself. I had a hard time keeping my cool and not breaking down in the middle of the mall. I just hope that those people, wherever they may be, will find it in their hearts to go back to the mall and return my phone. It's not that I want my phone back. Really, I just want my love for the world and the people in it back because right now, I don't like anyone.
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This is emotionally drainging.	[Jul. 13th, 2009\|09:11 pm]
It's almost unbearable. I want so badly to see him again. To actually carry on a full conversation with him instead of laying against his chest, speechless. Once again I am left with the weight of things and I can only shoulder as well as stomach so much. I talked on the phone with one of my really great guy friends last night for hours about my sticky situation, here. And I wish I could fall for someone like him. Or maybe even him. But I don't and probably won't ever seem him in that kind of light. It's always the ones who are just at my finger tips but also very distanced at the same time. Those are the type of "men" that I fall for. The ones who I know are probably no good for me, more or less. I think I like the chase, though. I like the struggle. I don't want to be handed something. I want to feel like I won first prize, in a sense, but I guess sometimes that's not always the best thing, huh? I've heard that men fall in love while woman just fall in love with the "idea." I could probably agree with that to some sort of extent for I know being in love is nothing like what I had with my last boyfriend. Whom, by the way seems to be happier than ever these days. Despite the struggle it's been to carry on with my life I can honestly say that I am so very happy that he has found happiness within himself. I know I tend to drag people down with me to the point of no return or what some people refer to as rock bottom. Him and I have vacationed there quite a lot and especially at the end of our relationship. Something I'm not too entirely proud of, but hey, I'm working on it. The other day I was painfully bored and decided to take a trip down memory lane while I went through old messages on my myspace account. Throughout the many petty fights that took place in most of the messages, I found one that was about as long as a fourth grade chapter book. I was declaring how deeply sorry I was to Mickey about how our relationship falling apart, like it was all on me. But despite all of that, I remember telling him that whether or not he was with me in the end, I was going to be happy for him. I was going to love him, and that I would never stop caring. And I noticed that though it has taken me about a year, quite literally, I've come to terms with him not being a part of my life anymore, but I never once lived up to my words. And I want to. I want to be happy for him. I guess I've just needed time to come to terms with myself amongst other various things. I've learned that I need to practice patience. But more importantly I need to have more faith in things, including myself.
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Proverbs 31:25	[Jul. 12th, 2009\|01:30 pm]
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
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Ian came over today.	[Jul. 11th, 2009\|11:40 pm]
And it was the first time that I've seen him in eight months. Eight long ass months. He apologize for last night. He wanted to make up for the past eight months. And so he showed up. To hold me. To kiss me. To be with me. To finally put fourth the effort that I've been longing to see. He looked me right in the eyes and held my body close to his. And it felt so right. It was feeling that just so happens to be all too familiar but then again all too unfamiliar all at once. It was hard to look at him. To have him so close to me that I could practically feel his body warmth melting my skin. To feel his lips slide across mine occasionally. It was painful and overwhelming. I could feel the anxiety crawling up my spine. I was scared, and I've been scared. There is an unspoken war inside of my heart. That is practically shouting at me. It's telling me not to do this. To step away from the situation. In fact it wants me to run. Now. And fast. But then there's another side that is telling me to keep holding on. To wait it out. Give it time. Give him time. Give us time. But It constantly feels like I'm taking three steps forward and two steps back. Sometimes it looks like progress but then I feel the backwards pull. Pulling me toward how things used to be. How I don't want them to be. But Ian. He's worth the fight. No matter how much he hurts and disappoints me. He's worth it. Because I care so much about him. About us. He was and still is my best friend. No matter the distance. And even if it never goes beyond that. Even if we never date. I'm fine with it. Because I know I have just as much of his heart, as he has mine.
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Someday i'll get the picture, and stop waiting up.	[Jul. 11th, 2009\|12:59 am]
You'll never ride up to my house in the middle of the night just to see me. You'll never throw rocks at my window. You'll never take me out on a date. You'll never be the first to make plans, even. You'll never spontaneously show up at the same places I happen to be at. You'll never randomly kiss me like you mean it. You'll never hold onto my hand 'till it drips with sweat. You'll never think of me when I'm not around. You'll never day dream that I'm with you. Or have visions of future experiences with me. You'll never look into my eyes and know exactly what I'm thinking. You'll never send me a song to listen to just because it reminds you of me. You'll never rest your head against mine and feel the same feeling I do. You'll never hear my voice when I think of you. You'll never know when I need you. You'll never wish I was there when things get bad like I do of you. You'll never leave notes around for me to find so my day gets just a little bit better. You'll never tell me how you really feel. You'll never hear me tell you how I really feel. You'll never do any of this, and then some. All that I want you to do. You'll never. because you'll never love me.
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Shangri-La was amazing,	[Jul. 10th, 2009\|09:31 pm]
and as much as I loved spending the entire week with really good friends, the whole time I looked forward to tonight. But I should've known better because he let me down. I crashed and boy did it burn. I thought it would take more for me to cry over a guy because of my past experiences, but I broke down in the shower for the longest time today and it's taken me forever to piece myself back together. And though it's hard to hear from your best friend that maybe this guy likes you but just doesn't care you for, I know she's right, and I know what I have to do. I just feel so un-datable, un worthy, un loveable, and stupid.
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lately I've been obsessing over my body.	[Jul. 3rd, 2009\|02:35 am]
And I hate the way I look without clothes.
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Progresss, baby steps.	[Jun. 30th, 2009\|04:17 pm]
Ian surprisingly contacted me at 2 a.m. last night and seemed thrilled that I was up and eager to talk to him at such an early hour of the morning. We talked until nearly 6. Mostly about the future, how much we missed one another, and how great it's going to be when we're finally able to see each other. I can't help but feel like a kid in a candy store. It feels good to be the one who doesn't crack first, now. He told me he spent twenty minutes contemplating on whether or not he should talk to me. And it's sad to know that hearing something as small as that can make me happy. But it does; compared to the nights where i laid in bed for hours wanting to pick up the phone and call him, but knowing better. I feel like in my mind, I have an imaginary check-off list and slowly but surely, he's placing red checks next to everything that's leading to my heart and well, ready or not, he's going to find a way in. Because I have an infinite amount of patience with him, it's bound to happen. I can feel it happening, already but it's not necessarily such a bad thing. I just want slow. I don't want fast-paced. I don't want a relationship too serious. I don't want to make him too much of a priority. I feel that knowing all of this already, knowing what I want, is hope. This gives me a chance to prevent it. It gives me a chance to prepare, and take it at all in.
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My fingers hurt so good.	[Jun. 29th, 2009\|08:47 pm]
Today was a rather boring day. I wasn't fully awake until 2 p.m. so I decided to pop in the movie Juno and veg out on my bed while a few storms came through the city and rattled my window. After Juno was over I laid there on my bed staring at my guitar and decided I'd make use out of it and learn something for once. I youtubed tutorials on how to play the song "anyone else but you" by the moldy peach's that Michael Cera (<33) and Ellen Page closed Juno out with. It's a simple two chord-ed song and so with a practice and patience I got the jist of it down only to realize that this was once mine and Mickey's song. If that wasn't ironic enough, I found that I was still logged on myspace in one of the very few tabs I had left opened on my screen, and in my inbox was a message from Mickey's dad that read "You poped into my dream last nite so I thought I would say hi and see how your summer is so far. You traveling,working or just hanging around? Just want to let you know that you havent been forgotten. Stay in touch." And so after a few minutes of letting everything sink in, I kind of just sat there for awhile and stared at my computer screen until it went into hibernation mode and all I could see was my own reflection staring back at me when the screen turned black. I know, I know, you've heard it all before. These messages aren't anything new, but they still leave me speechless each and every time because for some unknown reason his dad...his whole family rather, still wants to be a part of my life. And I really shouldn't be surprised by this anymore, but it gets my everytime.I mean, call me stupid but they say what is meant to be will find it's way, and I just can't help but think that this is fate trying to break through this barrier, and get me to talk to him again, but I just can't find it in me to break down these walls, swallow my pride, and at least be friends with him. I can't explain it, but something inside of me is screaming that he was in my life for a reason, and now it's up to me to find that reason so I can get him to venture back into my life again. I don't know if I want to, though. Ugh.
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Ignorance is your new "best friend."	[Jun. 27th, 2009\|01:37 pm]
Alright, cool. Well it's been brought to my attention that I'm sitting here wasting my time trying to be friends with certain people. Putting as much effort in as I can to keep in contact with them by planning movie nights, or days to go ice skating, only to be rejected and later find out that those people found something better to do therefore, that's why I was denied. I feel retarded, and pathetic because I tried so hard. I guess it's just in my nature to do just about anything to get people to like me, but I'm going to try my best to change that and take the effort that I've been using towards these "friendships" and use it for myself, because this time I'm going to be the selfish one. if i'm a bad person, you don't like me i guess i'll make my own way it's a circle a mean cycle i can't excite you anymore where's your gavel? your jury? what's my offense this time? you're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me well sentence me to another life. don't wanna hear your sad songs i don't wanna feel your pain *when you swear it's all my fault* cause you know we're not the same oh we're not the same the friends who stuck together we wrote our names in blood but i guess you can't accept that the change is good it's good it's good you treat me just like another stranger well it's nice to meet you sir i guess i'll go i best be on my way out ignorance is your new best friend *ignorance is your new* *best friend* this is the best thing that could've happened any longer and i wouldn't have made it it's not a war no, it's not a rapture i'm just a person but you can't take it the same tricks that once fooled me *they won't get you anywhere* i'm not the same kid from your memory now i can fend for myself don't wanna hear your sad songs i don't wanna feel your pain *when you swear it's all my fault* cause you know we're not the same oh we're not the same the friends who stuck together we wrote our names in blood but i guess you can't accept that the change is good it's good it's good you treat me just like another stranger well it's nice to meet you sir i guess i'll go i best be on my way out ignorance is your new best friend ignorance is your new best friend ignorance is your new best friend ignorance is your new best friend you treat me just like another stranger well it's nice to meet you sir i guess i'll go i best be on my way out
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What non-complacency looks like.

[Jun. 23rd, 2009|10:44 pm]

I can’t believe that after months of creating this outer shell, I’m already beginning to crack. Going through my first mental break down of the summer as I live vicariously through the many thoughts and memories of last July. I keep wanting to see it as a prolonged nightmare that may take years to wake up and recover from. I keep thinking that maybe if I convince myself that I’m in a coma, I’ll wake up and he’ll still be the person who I once found myself head over heels for. But I’m not, and he’s not the same person anymore. I want to cry, just to fully indulge in the feeling of worthlessness. Just to let the familiar feeling vastly wash over me only to realize that I’m not worthless. But I’m afraid once I start, I won’t be able to stop, and I'll began to slowly degrade myself. It’s not suppose to be like this at all. I’m too young to waste as much as a year plus over this. But I am, and I probably will continue to, because I’m not as strong as people perceive me to be. I’m afraid of ending up in the hospital over this. Because I can hardly eat or breathe or sleep sometimes. I’m afraid I’ll turn into a vegetable. I’ll have to be medicated and force fed mushy foods, and I don’t want to be that person. I’m not that person. But the fear of becoming that person is holding me back from so much, and I don’t know how to stop it.

Each day another person leaves for college. I feel like when it’s my turn, no one will be left to say good bye to me. Everyone is older than I am. Well, the people that matter the most, anyway. I know a few people who are all worked up about leaving. And honestly I just don’t get it. But maybe that’s because I have more to leave behind than I do to bring with me. Starting with my visions of ever getting back together with Mickey, or even starting something with Ian, or even seeing Jaime or Mike ever again. Some days, it seems possible, but I know better. They say college is suppose to be harder, though and I fear that once I finally step up to the plate, I’m going to see that I shouldn’t view a university filled with opportunities as an escape. But I can be whoever I want to be there. It’s almost like being born again. No one has to know just how pathetic I’ve let myself get. Or that I’m not a virgin because I stupidly thought that that would keep me and my at the time 16 year old boyfriend together, forever. But I know things will probably get even more complicated as expected, and I’ll end up wanting these insignificant problems back that are at the time, extremely significant to me.

I told Ian off today, but he didn’t respond to a word I said. Like always, I’m an afterthought that is fed no reasonable explanation for his actions lately. I’ve been waiting for him to do something, anything to show that he cares. But I'm always left with nothing. I’ve been waiting for him to be the one to ask me to hang out, or even call or text me first. But I’m always the one to break and I end up doing the asking and receiving the let down. And so it is a never ending cycle that I’ve become accustomed to. In fact, I probably enjoy it within my unconsciousness.

I just can’t let my heart take this again and again. That’s all I thought about last night as I recapped the conversation I had with Gaspar last night in my head. How he’s afraid to talk to me because he’s scared of falling for me again. But I’m the only one who he can relate to now, because he finally got a taste of his own medicine, and someone screwed him over too. It feels good to know that I’m not completely insane here. Because even Gaspar would take this girl back. Even though she continuously hurt him. That’s exactly how I feel about ian. Who finally responded to the text I sent him earlier. Claiming that I was done trying because he expects me to hold the weight of things while he disappears for days on end. He said fine, leave me alone. And I couldn’t help but ask, do you really mean that? And now we're back to not responding again. Surprise, surprise. I think no matter what, I’m always going to miss Ian. Because with him there aren’t any surprises. I can always count on him to let me down. As contradiction-y as it sounds, It makes me feel safe because I hate the unknown and ambiguous. That’s it; I have officially resigned myself to that fact that I have gone completely insane. I hate this. I hate that I want to be with him right now. I hate how desperate and predictable I’ve become.

It’s been storming like crazy, and I’ve been locked up in my room all day. I’ve hardly eaten. But I kind of like that. Sometimes I think, if I lost weight, my problems would dissolve just as well as my fat. It’s probably uncanny, but I like to think that it’s possible sometimes. Unfortunately, it makes me feel better. As much as I want to scream and cry and throw things around my room, the slapping rain on my window is soothing, and I’d rather here the cries of the rain, wind, and thunder than myself. Right now, I feel like I should curl up in bed and read a book, do something rather than sulk. But It’s what I’m best at. Unfortunately I can’t bring myself to take anything that people are saying to me into consideration. I think it’s gotten this way because though you can empathize with me and relate to how I’m feeling, you don’t know everything. You don’t know what’s constantly going on in my head. You don’t know exactly every aspect of my emotions. How could you? Because even I don’t know. And that’s the hardest thing. Because if you don’t understand yourself, it seems like no one can. And they probably can’t.But sometimes I hope I'm wrong.

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Just getting up for the letdown.	[Jun. 22nd, 2009\|10:07 pm]
Thanks both of you for simultaneously screwing with my heart and head again. And you know, I really shouldn't be surprised, but I am because I'm constantly being fed false hope and lies. Sometimes I wonder, when am I ever going to learn that neither one of you are ever going to change. Sorry for keeping my faith in you. Or men for that matter.
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